The new album by The Eagles, “Long Road Out Of Eden” is nice. That’s about all I can say about it. It’s nice like that female friend of yours that you want to hook your buddy up with who’s not really that pretty but has a nice personality. The album has some “nice” songs, but in the end she’s not worth marrying. Or maybe she’s just not my type?

For an album that took over 5 years to make, it certainly didn’t blow me away. There’s a lesson there, of course, and that’s overanalyzation is probably a bad thing. Some of my favorite songs are tunes that the artists jokingly referred to as “written in 5 minutes”. Whether or not that’s a lie or the best way to write a song is subjective but if you take 5 years to make a recording, it better damn well rock my socks off.

This release from one of my all-time favorite rock bands, much like later releases from some of my other favorite classic rockers like Paul McCartney and Bryan Adams, just doesn’t cut the mustard. What’s worse is that there are two discs of it and some of the songs are upwards of 7-10 minutes long.

I’ll just say this and get it out of the way. The Eagles have forgotten how to rock. They still roll, but rolling can be described as easy, smooth and repetitive. Rolling down a hill isn’t all that hard to do.

The production is way too slick and that classic “Eagles sound” that I love so much is nowhere to be found. This sounds like a glorified Don Henley solo album with a couple of the Eagles supplying session duties.

Some might say it unfair to compare the new album to their old material but I say that’s baulderdash. They’re still the same people and capable of the same things. It looks like they’ve just gotten older and are making music for older people. Too bad.

Let’s talk “edge” now. I don’t mean the guitarist from U2. I’m talking about that hard rocking distorted guitar that sat right up in your lap and demanded you listen or else. Seething, sharp guitar riffs that bit you on the lip and slapped you in the face. “Already Gone”, “Life in the Fast Lane”, and “The Long Run” all come to mind.

So what’s missing? Well, to me it’s two things. One is the production style of “less is more” and the other is two words: Don Felder. Wow do I miss that guy. I think he’s part of what gave the Eagles their harder edge. On this new piece, even the harder guitar solos feel further back in the mix and processed. Don’s work on the older albums was always a little more raw and when he and Joe Walsh harmonized or traded off, it was pure bliss.

Don Felder : Eagles :: Good Dressing : Salad

I don’t hear anything at all exciting on this entire release. I hear a lot of slick harmonies and happy chord progressions but nothing really trend-setting or ground breaking. What I liked about the old Eagles was their ability to merge styles in a no-nonsense way with minimalist production/effects to muck with the sound. Everything sounded more “live” if that makes any sense. The earlier albums right up to “The Long Run” all sounded like you just happened to walk into the room as these guys were playing.

They’re so homogenized now that even Joe Walsh has lost his edge. Where’s the bluesy, slide guitar? Oh it’s there somewhere. You’ll hear it on tunes like, “Somebody” but again it’s almost like background noise. You almost don’t notice it. Joe’s latin tinged “Last Good Time In Town” almost seems out of place. Don’t these guys know how to create a catchy guitar riff anymore?

One of the only mainstays here is Timothy B. Schmidt, but he was always a schmoozy falsetto singer. “I Don’t Want To Hear Anymore” is his big stand-out on this album. With its organ and electric piano, you can almost tell that he’s trying to regain the magic of “I Can’t Tell You Why” but it’s not quite the same. Much like his earlier hit from “Hell Freezes Over” called “Love Will Keep Us Alive”, the song seems to just plod on pleasantly with very few changes and nothing really interesting happening.

The acoustic guitar driven songs, like “No More Cloudy Days” almost sound anti-acoustic. The piano is louder than the acoustic guitar. Like many of the other songs you’ll hear on this set, it sounds like moody stuff you’d hear in a fancy restaurant. It’s pleasant enough to eat to but not interesting enough to ask what it actually is.

Yes they’re all great singers, but we have known that for years. Yes, they harmonize perfectly. They’re accomplished singer-songwriters. They’ve written so many great songs in the past, time after time. There’s not one dud album (until now). So…maybe I expected too much?

Maybe, but I can’t keep myself from saying - 5 years for this? Nothing memorable, nothing I want to listen to over and over. I guess I should have known from the studio tracks on “Hell Freezes Over” that this was the direction they were headed. It’s almost like an album of B-sides from Henley or Frey solo records.

Come to think of it, it probably should be filed under “Easy Listening” or “Adult Contemporary” or something similar. These songs fit right in with the stuff you hear in the Dentist’s waiting room.

If my expectations were too high it was only because I wanted The Eagles to sound like… The Eagles. Defenders will say that it’s not cool to just expect them to do more of the same after all these years. Well, I’m into the whole idea of doing something “different” or whatever, but at least do something interesting. These songs are not interesting to me outside of the one or two catchy lines of lyrics thrown into each song. It’s like incidental soundtrack music with lyrics. Don sounds angry, Glenn sounds tired, Tim sounds about the same, and Joe sounds like a shadow of his former self. I don’t understand what happened to these guys.

Did they just get old? If so, then the critics got old too. The set is getting pretty positive reviews with people comparing it to their Desperado days. Maybe I’m crazy, but I don’t see it. There are a few “moments” that try to evoke that old magic (”How Long”, “I Love To Watch A Woman Dance”) but they fall horribly short in my eyes. I can’t be the only person to see it, can I?

It reminds me of when Van Halen put out their album “Balance” and I thought to myself, “Well, they’ve finally done it. They’ve finally made a record with not one song that I liked.” That’s when I knew that band was dead. They have yet to recover, at least in the studio.

The bottom line is that The Eagles are a different band now and that’s too bad. I’m sure there are folks out there who love the new stuff as much as the old and good for them. Unfortunately, I can’t bring myself to be one of those people. I wanted to like it and I listened to it with hope but it just let me down. I’ll keep the tracks on my iPod in the hopes that they grow on me at least a little but I usually know early on if I’m going to like something. It’ll reel me in and make me say, “Hey, I need to listen to that again…”

“Long Road Out Of Eden” just makes me want to go listen to “Hotel California” or “The Long Run” and remember why I liked The Eagles in the first place.